The Difference Between Complaining and Venting
One lets you move through it. The other keeps you stuck.
On New Year’s Eve a couple of years ago, I walked into my usual beauty salon to get my eyebrows waxed.
The ladies I normally see weren’t there, so I went with whoever was available.
The moment I sat down I did what I always do: told her clearly that I can only use hot wax, not strip wax, because my skin is too sensitive and strip wax either burns me or rips my skin off.
She nodded. Said sure, no problem.
You can probably guess what happened next.
The moment she put the wax on I could feel it was wrong. And when she pulled it off with a strip I said - again - I can’t use strip wax, only hot wax.
She did it again on the second eyebrow anyway.
Then said something along the lines of: whoops, I think I have burned you.
I walked out of that salon with lovely eyebrows and raw, red skin, and the compulsion to complain hit me approximately two seconds later.
I sent my daughter a message - all caps, for the record - about the gross negligence of a woman who had looked me in the eye, heard my very specific instructions, and then ignored them completely.
Here’s where it gets interesting though.
About an hour before that appointment, I had made a quiet decision:
I wanted to complain less.
Not because I thought my feelings were wrong.
But because I had started to notice that complaining had become my default response to anything difficult - and it wasn’t actually making me feel better. Just louder.
There’s a difference between complaining and venting, and it took me a while to figure out what it actually is.
Venting is letting something out.
Getting the feeling up and out of your body so it stops sitting there. It’s useful, it’s human, and there’s nothing wrong with it.
Complaining is something else.
It’s the thing you do after venting, when instead of moving through the feeling you decide to camp there.
Woe is me. This is terrible. This can never be considered not-terrible.
It’s throwing petrol on a small fire and then being surprised when it gets out of control.
The eyebrow situation was a genuinely annoying thing that happened.
I was entitled to feel annoyed. What I wasn’t entitled to - or rather, what wasn’t serving me - was deciding to make it the story of my day.
So I tried something instead.
Three questions I’ve used in coaching for years but had apparently forgotten to apply to my own life.
What can I learn from this situation?
That there are people in this world who genuinely don’t listen even when you give them specific instructions.
That this will happen again. That I could be even clearer next time and someone might still choose not to listen - and that says nothing about me.
How can I find gratitude in this moment?
I can afford to go to a salon. My skin will heal. I have a brain that is capable of reframing things, even when it initially refuses to.
How can I show compassion here?
She made a mistake. She’s a person. I can let it go.
Three questions. That’s it. Not a personality transplant - just a redirect. A decision to move through the feeling rather than set up permanent residence in it.
The other recurring things I found myself complaining about that year, if I’m being honest?
My dog Scooter barking at absolutely nothing at 6am. And the dishes. Always the dishes left in the sink.
Those two things probably accounted for about 90% of my complaining in an average week.
Applied the same questions.
Scooter is old now and hard of hearing and loves me more fiercely than almost anyone on earth. The barking is a small tax on a relationship I would pay anything for.
As for the dishes - I’m still working on the compassion one, I’ll be honest.
Here’s the thing about complaining that I keep coming back to though.
My son Jake is in a wheelchair full time. Has been since he was young. And I have genuinely never heard him complain about his life.
Not once. Not in the way most of us complain about things that are, in the grand scheme, very small.
He just... doesn’t. His default is easygoing. Present. Unbothered by the things that don’t deserve his energy.
I used to think that was just his personality. And maybe some of it is.
But I also think it’s a choice he makes, quietly, every day. A decision about which thoughts to give airtime to and which ones to let pass through.
If he can do that - with everything his life actually contains - then the eyebrow waxing incident was never really the problem, was it.
The thoughts I decided to think about it were.
Complaining is a choice. So is the alternative.
What’s one thing you’ve been complaining about lately that might be worth running through those three questions? I’m genuinely curious - drop it in the comments.
With love,
Frances xxx
If you’re new here: I’m Frances Vidakovic. Life coach since 2001, author of 25 books and creator of 90+ digital courses, mum and carer, and deep thinker exploring what it means to live a richer, lighter life in a sometimes heavy world.
I write for overthinkers who are done sleepwalking through their one precious life. Wake up. Do what matters. Savour it all.
If you want to go deeper, Your Richer Life is where I put everything.
Ready to Become a Paid Member?
Your Richer Life Vault is the premium space connected to this publication for those who want to go deeper.
Inside, you’ll find practical tools, coaching, and guidance designed to help you:
❅ Stop overthinking and start taking meaningful action
❅ Create a life that feels richer, lighter, and more intentional
❅ Follow through on the goals that matter most
You’ll unlock access to:
❅ The full paid archive - instant access to every premium guide, lesson, implementation guide, coaching audio, and paid post published inside Your Richer Life Vault
❅ Don’t Die Unhappy - twice-monthly lessons and implementation guides designed to help you make the most of your one precious life
❅ Get Out of Your Own Way - twice-monthly mindset shifts, lessons, and exercises to help you overcome overthinking, self-doubt, and self-sabotage
❅ LIGHTER - The Next Chapter: A monthly behind-the-scenes series where I explore what it means to feel lighter physically, mentally, emotionally, and energetically in midlife - sharing the experiments, lessons, setbacks, and wins as they happen.
Your Richer Life is a deeper, more intentional space for women who want to stop sleepwalking through life and start living it more fully.
You’ll also receive:
❅ The 21-Day Your Richer Life Audio Journey - daily coaching audios to help you think differently, live more intentionally, and create meaningful momentum
❅ The When Your Mind Holds You Back Vault - 50 practical guides designed to help you quickly reframe the thoughts and beliefs that have been holding you back
❅ All Premium Guides - including: The Overthinker’s Guide To Living A Richer Life, The Success Playbook, Quick Actions That Create Change Gameplan and many more coming your way next month.
What makes this space different is that it isn’t about endlessly consuming more self-development content.
It’s about actually applying what you learn.
Thinking differently.
Showing up differently.
Living more intentionally.
Because a richer life isn’t created by reading another article.
It’s created by practicing what matters.
If you’d like to join me for the journey, I’d love to welcome you inside.
Wake up.
Show up.
Savor it all. 🙌🏻
With love,
Frances xxx
A NOTE FROM FRANCES
Hey there! I’m Frances Vidakovic - a life coach, author, and writer who loves helping women stop overthinking, live more intentionally and make the most of their one precious life.
After graduating with a degree in psychology and launching my life coaching business back in 2001, I’ve spent the last two decades helping women navigate mindset, goals, personal growth and the messy reality of being human.
Writing has always been my first love. In 2018 I launched InspiringMomLife.com, which has since welcomed over 10 million visitors. I’m also the author of 25+ books and creator of 90+ personal growth courses designed to help women achieve meaningful goals without sacrificing their soul or sanity in the process.
If this article resonated with you, we explore these ideas more deeply inside Inspiring Life Academy, where you'll find courses, workshops and practical tools designed to help you think better, live more intentionally, and follow through on what matters most.
You can explore them all inside Inspiring Life Academy.
Today I live in Sydney, Australia with my husband, kids, dogs and a never-ending stack of books nearby.
My hope for this publication is that it becomes a place you can return to whenever you need to slow down, reconnect with yourself, reset your thinking and remember what truly matters in your one precious life.
Wake up. Show up. Savor it all.
Love the reframe with your questions. Going to put them in my back pocket. Thanks for sharing :)
This is why I love the term Kvetching.
Things get hard. There are rough patches. Life is meant to throw lemons at you, otherwise is it really worth living?
So you kvetch. You get the negative thing out of your system, and into the void. Then you move on ❤️